drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
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The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My life in a nutshell
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.