doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe