@iamspacegirl

[Drive-thru]

CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say

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@crylenol

*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@HenpeckedHal

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

@jazmasta

There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

@kevinrowe1

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

@brittwastaken

There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.

@pilau

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

@curlymalloy

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?