[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
You Might Also Like
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.