Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You wish you had this many chins.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn