@PaperWash

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

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@brryyccceee

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@CloydRivers

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

@Trisarahjtops

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

@NurseMurderer

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

@mrtiredeyes

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

@KeetPotato

[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]