[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.