[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.