DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
WTF
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math