driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

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“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
Doctor of Fine Arts


Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.


Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature


Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …


The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away


Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.


My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?