@Beatonm5

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

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@internetluke

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

@shashaintl

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

@lloydrang

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@anerdonfire2

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

@hipstermermaid

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

@SteveSuckington

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?