@just1fool

*Drives by train wreck*

Train wreck:”I have a boyfriend.”

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@Home_Halfway

When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead

@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@internetluke

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

@BromanConsul

cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now

@_elvishpresley_

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic