the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
This is hilarious….
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.