@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

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@JaisaMarie123

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

@actualhuman01

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

@Reverend_Scott

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

@xofreckles

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

@KatieKatCubs

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

@HelloCullen

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

@TheAlexNevil

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no