*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no