@topaz006

*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off

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@colegamble

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

@TheAlexP

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

@ipalatsky

Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.

@pleatedjeans

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

@UncleDuke1969

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

@Quartzjixler

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

@SeanEmeny

People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?