If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
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Make sure to tip your waitress. It’s pretty funny when they fall over.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.
[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Cats being cats.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”