@topaz006

*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off

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@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

@Book_Krazy

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

@AndrewNadeau0

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

@dmc1138

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

@shelldash

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

@StillOnTheMoors

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@carlyken

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”