My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
You Might Also Like
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”