*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off

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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.


[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no


Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.


Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night


Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM


[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.


Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?


People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?