@topaz006

*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off

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@OleThickHawk

My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.

@Shenaniglenns

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

@cristela9

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

@Love_bug1016

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

@beefman138

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

@thedad

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

@Manali_Shetye5

If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.

@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”