Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I hate my earbuds.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
sleeping beauty
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.