Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’