@zombieparrot

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

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@Reverend_Scott

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

@Sickayduh

“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”

“TAMPI EVERYWHERE”

@ginadivittorio

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

@ClickBaite

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

@SortaBad

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

@ventivodkacran

When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.

@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

@MUMSIEesq

My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.

@LizHackett

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.