Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’
Me: ‘How do you know??’
Her: ‘You live next door.’
Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.
You Might Also Like
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.
Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage
do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam
Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.