I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
pep talk
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next