@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

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@better_off_dad2

*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’

@SergioValenCo

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@pickupIines

do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam

@carlyken

Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.

@Prof_Hinkley

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

@flashember

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

@KeetPotato

cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”