I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.