{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”