[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.


WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

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[at Timmy’s funeral]

Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired


Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”


“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”



I thought I just had a bad headache but according to WebMD I’m a conjoined twin slowly dying from jaundice.


My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people


Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.



BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.


Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet


Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.