Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
ME: snakes are mean
ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs
ME: so the ends justify the mean
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Is the person naming these colors of yarn okay