@sofarrsogud

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

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@1Happytwit

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

@MartaEffing

I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?

@Browtweaten

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

@dreamsinchocola

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

@JPHaddadio

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

@dave_cactus

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

@ellle_em

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

@RoosterMustache

ME: snakes are mean

TEACHER: right

ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs

TEACHER: ok

ME: so the ends justify the mean

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?