Love this guy
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
How to properly lift a body
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.