Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
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Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.