HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it
Priest: That’s not a sin
Me: I don’t understand this religion…
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit