@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

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@Gupton68

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

@flashember

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

@ThaJawn

(Confessional)

Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

@sixfootcandy

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

@KeetPotato

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

@gabbazaba

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit