[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*


Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.


The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.


Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.


“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump


Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit


Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.


“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.


When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.