driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo