kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.