[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok