[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me, flirting😏
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud