[Driving home from restaurant]

ME: What?
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10


I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.


Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.


3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.


Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.


Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.


I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?


One minute I’m showing her my room dedicated to banjos and the next she claims she has to leave due to an emergency.


Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways


Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low