ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
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Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.