@tiemoose

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

You Might Also Like

@PleaseBeGneiss

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

@joshcomers

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

@notacroc

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

@erica_rosie

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

@shesananteater

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.