[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
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JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.