[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

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You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.


My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me


Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know


I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.


Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.


If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.


Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.


“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”