[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner