*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
This will teach them to underestimate me
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
me: my friends:
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.