[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
the rocks need my help
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?