@brynnester

[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
Me:Yes
“Progress has been slow”
Me:Yes
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”

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@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@sarcasm_inc

I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.

@fart

“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”

@pilau

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

@ThisLocalHater

The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

@timbolton1

BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

@CelebrityChez

How to make pasta:
-Boil water.
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Wrong.
-Start an Italian restaurant.

@KevinBuffalo

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter