@scot7a

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

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@TheAndrewNadeau

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@Izianikapani

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

@UGotMeRight

The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.

@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners

@YeahDrewisOn

Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo

@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

@FudgeRobot

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.