Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

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BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.


I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.


Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.


The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.


My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners


Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo


Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.


Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.