Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Him: speak dirty
Me: mud, mud, MUUUUUUD
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose
“You shall not make for yourself an idol”
That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell
Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.