*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When I snag the last meatball.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT