[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Whoa 😂
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I laughed at this way too hard.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.