Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.