scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
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Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’m about to risk it all
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone