@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

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@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@Skoog

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.

@MissColdHeart9

When men ask me my age:

If I were a bottle of wine you couldn’t afford me and if I were a bottle of whiskey you couldn’t handle me.

@notalogin

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating