The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.
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My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
me *hits back of wife’s leg with the cart* Funny running into you h-
wife: Go wait in the car
I’ve been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.