Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street