@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.

You Might Also Like

@VerbsRProudest

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

@behindyourback

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

@BoomBoomBetty

I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.

Related fact: marijuana warps time perception

@Shade510

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

@codyspencer0

Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.

@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

@GrantTanaka

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

@Mom_Overboard

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL