@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.

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@Remember_Sarah

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@iwearaonesie

[grocery store]
me *hits back of wife’s leg with the cart* Funny running into you h-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

@zapmyass

I’ve been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?

@Marlebean

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

@DranoRaul

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@bornmiserable

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

@moose_chocolate

If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.