[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Breaking news:
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath