[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
sliding into dms like
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.