[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
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Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Yes, but it was never about money
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell