I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
You Might Also Like
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.