Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
You Might Also Like
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*