“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.
Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.