@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

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@david8hughes

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

@PetrickSara

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

@nerdreign

Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.

Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.

@Laser_Cat

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

@AndrewChamings

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

@ddsmidt

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

@YourMomsucksTho

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

@markleggett

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.