When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means