They said I could be anything… So I became problematic.
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.
I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.
My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My fantasy is having two men at once.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.