e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Disney are remaking Home Alone. This is a petition for them to re-cast 38 year old Macauley Culkin as 9 year old Kevin McCallister and have nobody in the film acknowledge it.
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .