@ItsAndyRyan

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

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@Douchekevin

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.

@Faceyspace

My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@AntozWolf

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim