“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
You Might Also Like
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
🙀🙀🙀😹
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.