Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Sounds like a bargain
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.