Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate

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A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.


HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise


[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?


A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.


2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.


I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.


If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.


I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…