@Home_Halfway

Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate

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@titusbb

A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@internetluke

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@rakyll

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

@Snarfernini

I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@Mom_Overboard

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…