me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
The best plant holders?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?