Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.