@SJSchauer

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

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@MattarWendtar

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@50FirstTates

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

@pharmasean

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

@MissHavisham

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

@ramblinma

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

@theshantilly

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

@TheCatWhisprer

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know