Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

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I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.


WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too


when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”


My cat waited until I was on the phone with a very important customer to come into the room and start SHRIEKING at a bug, because he won’t stop until I assure him he’s the bravest hunter in all the land and then bring the bug outside…


[Doctor’s Office]

Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live.

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week


Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.


Wife: I better see a diamond this Mother’s Day

Me: say no more *buys baseball tickets*


He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her


No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.