Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
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Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Hey I worked for it too!
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.